i was complaining to the hubbs, yet again, that i'm fat. i quite obviously haven't been happy with my weight for quite a while. the problem is that i'm kind of ill equipped to deal with it. i love food. i don't like it. i love it. i love to plan it, to cook it, to smell touch and taste it. and if something tastes good, i want more of it. i can't be happy with a bite of cake. i want at least a slice.
hubbs, being the smart guy he is, asked me one very simple question...
"i still love you, is that enough?"
'well, yes. of course it is!' i cried. but then i thought about it. is it? if i'm not happy with myself, no amount of love from him will help. so why am i not happy with myself? who's fault is it? mine? his? society? the media? and to be honest, it's three of the above four. (he is, at this time, blameless)
it's the media's for forcing an unrealistic standard of beauty. it's society's for allowing the media to play us. it's mine because I'M LETTING IT BOTHER ME!!!! to quote elanore roosevelt "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission."
media - you no longer have my permission to force what you think is the 'correct' body type on me. go screw.
society - you no longer have my permission to make me fell like dirt for not living up to the standard you think i should strive for. go screw.
me - you have my permission to never weigh yourself again. you have my permission to eat dessert. you have my permission to walk past the pre-pubescent clothing isles of walmart with a smug attitude of contempt. i am a woman, not a 12 year old boy. i earned these hips giving birth. my stomach may be big, but so was the enjoyment i got from the food.
no, this is not carte blanch to sit down with an entire box of donuts. i'm not going to kill myself with food, but i'm not going to deny myself either just to be a number on the scale.
so today, the second day of my 36th year, is the start of a new era for me. i will no longer weigh myself. i'm done with it. i have a photo shoot scheduled for may 14th, 2011. it was going to be the 'after' shots from me loosing (hopefully) a bunch of weight. i'm going to keep that appointment. but now, it's going to be a photo shoot of me being happy with the weight i am. if the sizes are lower, that's great. but if there not... he still loves me.
and that's totally enough.
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