i had a whole different blog written, i really did

i had this really cool blog all written up on paper (yes, i still write with paper. strange i know) on making halloween luminaries with princess. it was going to be a step by step "instructable" complete with joyful pictures of her and i in crafty crafty bliss.

then in her pre-teen SWOOP of hormones, and emotions, and "you'll never understand", she let me know in no uncertian terms that doing something crafty with me was the last thing she wanted to do.

ok, it wasn't that dramatic, but it was kinda crushing all the same.

this is the little girl who used to make me tell her stories just before bed. the one who would cry on my sholder and no one elses when her bio-mom did something, once again, that tore a whole in her little world.

and suddenly, without warning, i'm someone on the outskirts of her life.

you see, princess has always been 'mine'. she has only dim memories of her life before i was in it. i have always called her my daughter. and i always will. to quote a cheesy halmark card "she didn't grow under my heart, but in it". she is my little girl.

but suddenly she doesn't want to spend any time with her father or i. there was almost an entire month that she didn't come over on our weekends. she wanted to stay at her bio-mom's instead. last month i heard her call me her "step-mom".

i had to fight back tears, because we were in public.

i've never been anything other than mom to her. it broke my heart. it still aches. and to be honest, i'm not sure it will ever stop hurting.

and yes, i know that it's just puberty. that she'll grow out of it. that she doesn't understand what her body or emotions are doing. that she doesn't mean to hurt me or her father. but that's kind of cold comfort when your baby becomes a stranger.