Friday, March 15, 2013

I'm writing half of this before my mom goes in to get her heart shocked and half after.  But if everything goes well, it won't seem disjointed.

I'm not worried. Honestly, I'm not.  My mom is fine, and even her doctor says that afib is something that most people don't even ,now they have, and you can live for years and years and not even know something is amis.  They are even taking Bubby with them to the hospital.  Thats how not worried I am. 

But I can tell you that even five years ago I would have been a nervous wreck. I would have been pacing the halls wondering what was going on, what I could do.  But you know what? There's not a damn thing I can do.  At all.  I'm no way can I accomplish any change in outcome for what is going to happen.  So why would I devote that much energy to bashing my head against the ground if it won't change the path?  Its futility.

And it makes me tired.

I have spent so much time in my life imagining worst case scenarios that never come true.   Car accidents, burglars, post apocalyptic radioactive zombies...  OK the last one I actually enjoy, but you get my meaning.   I'm not sure if its because I have a toddler, because I've started meditating, or I've just grown as a person, but I just don't have the inclination or the energy to do that to myself anymore. 

So what's going to happen is going to happen.  Its not within my power to change it.  So I'm not going to worry. 

4 hours later

They didn't shock her heart.  Instead they are going to give her an experimental medicine that will do the same thing but less invasive.  See, nothing to worry about.

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