it's not you, it's me

i joined a gym yesterday.  and as i posted on twitter, once i'm under 200 for a week, i'm getting my wrist tattooed.  most likely by Jesse at Nuclear Ink. i went to college with him, and love his artwork.  these two things, along with a facebook comment about me not being ok with myself (ha!) has led me to feel i need to clarify something:

i'm not doing this for you.

i'm not loosing weight because i want you to think i'm hot.  i don't feel the need to fit myself into some ideal that i had no hand in creating.  i don't want to look like a particular person to make you like me more.  i'm already hot, i'm already ideal, and to be frank, i don't need you to like me if my outward appearance is the only thing you base friendship on.

i'm doing this for myself.  i'm selfish about my children.  see, i love them.  and i want to be there for as much of their life as possible.  and i also want them to be in my life for as long as they can.  and the ONE thing i can control in that is weight, both mine and theirs.  so by feeding them good healthy food and giving them a positive role model in exercise, i'm making sure that we stick together.

at over 200 and climbing (as my GYN felt the need to point out last week), i'm not going to be around for as long as i want.  so i'm fixing that.  i'm making better choices.  because it's my choices that got me here.  lets be honest, i make crap food choices.  even when i'm choosing not processed food, i'm eating pretty big quantities of the food i'm eating.  and it's not genetics that's doing this to me.  look at my kids. there both skinny, strong, and neither one of them have an ounce of fat on them if left to their own devices.  so it's not my genes, it's my choices.  so starting now, i'm going to make better choices in both quality/quantity of food and exercise.

and the tattoo is something i've wanted for a while.  it's a prize.  something to commemorate a pretty damn big deal.

not for you.  for me.  

Letter to Littles

I love this idea from TouchstoneZ about writing a letter to my children each month.  it's a beautiful idea, because they change daily.  i'd like to try to do this on the first of every month, but i'm not going to make it a hard and fast rule.  so here goes:

Princess,
   you are just two months shy of your birthday, and almost a teenager.  you're growing up so fast, and the world is throwing so much at you at once that i sometimes get scared for you.  i know you can handle anything that the universe throws at you, but i want to shield you from as much of the bad stuff as possible.  you're starting to flex your independent muscle and take control of your life.  i love that.  you make good decisions, and it thrills me to no end when you back those decisions up with reasoning.  you are awesome.  but you don't give yourself enough credit sometimes, and you're a hell of a lot smarter and more awesome than you think you are.  but that's part of being a teenager, the self doubt.  so don't let it get to you.  just remember that you rock.  and rock hard.
     oh, and i'm proud of you for finally playing left 4 dead with out having to have all the lights on in the house.  awesome.

Bubby,
   you're slightly over one and a half.  to be honest, i stopped counting the months at 12.  anything after that should be in year (or 'and a half') increments.  you explore your world more and more every day.  and unfortunately for me, have no fear.  what you do have is a nice collection of bruises and scrapes, and at the moment a pretty large goose egg from trying to bounce yourself off nana and papa's headboard.  but you are the happiest and smiley-ist baby that i know, and you don't let anything get you down for long.  you smile at everyone you meet.  everyone.  and they all smile back.  there is something about your loving and open smile that just makes people happy.  you love to cuddle, but can be stingy with the kisses, those are for special occasions only i guess.  your vocabulary has grown by leaps and bounds, and so has your understanding of those words.  i can see sentences coming in the near future.  i can't wait for that.

i love you both.
momma

wordless wednsday - Family Time

bubby and princess

indianna princess

protecting his sissy

you did WHAT with my cookie?

hubby and bubby

hubby and bubby